Have you ever been into a Costco and found yourself creepily investigating the security systems, analyzing the stock surplus, or taking photos of all the partitioned sections for future contemplation? CUZ I HAVE…on numerous occasions, and my findings indicate that if one can secure the “ins and outs” (mmm, animal fries) of a Costco, you’d be in perfect shape.
Let’s analyze the facts, SHALL WE?
Set aside your fantasy visions of zombie sample ladies in disheveled hair-nets, although totally relevant so keep ‘em in your back pocket, and take a bulk journey with me. First and foremost, you have all of your basic necessities in plenty: water, deodorant, alcohol, variety muffins, batteries, gasoline, fork-lifts, computers, multi-colored socks, books (not claiming they’ll be any good), bedding, office supplies, cooking utensils, etc.
Now. The most important thing during a zombie apocalypse is heavy artillery? WELL, you could do just fine with a hammer, or that fork-lift, or gasoline started fires, or using duck-tape to fashion yourself a home-made harpoon made from all the furniture. You could even utilize all of the metal from the shelves or ALL THE FRICKIN GLASS UP IN COSTCO to exert extra sharp cheddar damage. Perhaps you were able to hit up a gun store on your way to a Costco…actually, I’d recommend that.
During my last Costco visit, I made the executive, yet risky decision to find my way back to the various entry points where trucks drop off their loads (aha, ha). I found myself a place to stand and observed the assembly line of employees. The stock doors would be too difficult to open manually once closed. I mean they are huge, heavy-metal contraptions that require chains and magic to open. There are a series of big red buttons which indicate the desired positioning of the door (you know, open….and closed). Once I took note of this I felt confident that if it really came down to it (the pressing of a button), the securing of the ins and outs of Costco would be a piece of cake. It would be the ridding the space of zombies part that would pose a slight challenge, but not impossible.
As stated before, you already have your weapons (whether or not they’ve been fashioned or pre-discovered). Costco is the playgrounds of space and climbable objects. Now, it is crucial to note that I am NOT dealing with zombies who can run quickly or climb. I mean, let’s respect the first idea of a zombie and what parts of the brain the cult thriller virus ACTUALLY attacks. This isn’t I Am Legend…or I Robot? That’s bullshit. So, zombies can’t climb.
Costco is set up with HELLA shelves that skyscrape up into an intricate web of metal rafters. If you ran out of time and were beginning to be surrounded…BE THE MONKEY FROM WHICH WE ALL EVOLVED and get thee to some traversing. Even if at this point you are weaponless, there are so many heavy objects on top of the shelves that you could push down and smash you open some zombie domes (or at least do some high score severing).
Let’s look at the other sparkles of Costco. You have a produce cooler that could house a SIGNIFICANT amount of trapped, stupefied zombies. And if they got out, I’d be delighted at the opportunity to chant (who let dem zombs out, who, who, WHO WHO WHO!?) Maybe you get all 21st century and build yourself a lab up in there. The perks? It is a self-contained unit once the doors are closed. There are many spaces like this in Costco (food prep stations…anything with an ‘employee’s only’ door) just inviting and begging you to get some bait (nothing that involves cruelty, of course (?)), toss it on in, and let the body parts fall where they may.
There is a Hearing Aid Center…with a little hearing test box. Perks? It is absolute silence…meaning you could use it as a well deserved siesta zone, boning box for you and your sweetie, or hiding space.
There is a 1-hr photo center…I mean, that speaks for itself. All I know is I want pictures with my prized winnings (severed, trophied zombie domes). There are probably a lot of other cool things you could use/do with a photo processing lab, and I am sure someone else knows those details. I just want a sweet ass photo album.
Now, say you are in this Costco for a hot minute…they have an Optical center. So, you start losing your vision or a frisky zomb snatches your specs…PROBLEM SOLVED.
Probably the most important thing of all….A PHARMACY. Ok, now setting aside your desire to get your understandable need for drug kicks during the apocolypse…the pharmacy is stocked with meds, first aid tools, and anything you’d need to treat a mechanical injury and/or more serious illness. THAT’S A BINGO.
Photograph (c) 2013 reserved to Jennifer M. Moore
Well, we have reached the end of my introduction to Costco A.Z. You might be saying to yourself…”you can do this at any full sale location like Super Walmarts and Targets,” but my friends, let’s get real. Sure, Target is great for affordable trends, but they’re more likely to run out of useful supplies after some time. Walmart…need I even go there? Actually, I never do, so I won’t. Plus, with what type of consumers (in zombie form) would you rather deal? Zombies on mobility scooters…or hippies stocking up for Burning Man? Your everyday co-ed loading up for a harmless night of beer-pong? Your stay-at-home moms stocking up on gummiVites and detergent? Lest we forget our beloved sample ladies. My preferences lay dead after the final ellipses.